Under the Tuscan Sun

There are times lately when I feel overwhelmed.  I am a new-ish mom, a wife, a graduate student, a private tutor, an employee, and occasionally, a writer. There is always family drama, often on both sides of the tree, and there is always workplace drama, it would seem.  Life carries on, and things continue, and here I stand, wondering if I can just follow Bilbo Baggins, as roads go ever on and on.

This semester I will be doing an internship at the Glasgow Campus with their coordinator of Student Affairs.  I will work there on MWF.  I have class on MTW.  I will work at my GAship on TR, as well as attend ASL 1, as part of that.  On top of that, I will be doing work for my second internship I hope to have in January, recruiting students so that the trip to New Zealand can make in the first place.  I’m worried about finding enough money to go to New Zealand, and cover all my expenses, and I’m worried about leaving my precious baby for two weeks. And yet, part of me whispers what a wonderful experience, both personally and professionally it will be, and what a dream come true. So school is quite the adventure currently. Oh, and in November I must attend a conference, SACSA, and hopefully find more of those to go to as well.

Life goes on as normal, of course.  I have a four month old who I love with all my heart, and who has determined that most of the time I am not allowed to clean.  I’ve held him for the past hour because he was fussy and sleepy, but he would only sleep in my arms.  Xander is currently passed out laying beside on me on the couch, as I write this.  I have never loved a human being as much as I love this little boy.  Still, there are moments when I look at the chaos of my house and oh how I wish I could manage to keep it clean.  Then again, I’ve seen titles of studies that say a messy home means a happy child.  And that’s probably true. I’m learning to let go, a little.  I think if I can just manage a few more things to get into place, I’ll be a little more okay with my coffee table being cluttered (or I could just throw it out the door…), and laundry being scattered.

This week I picked up another student to tutor. A sixteen year old boy who really wants to catch up on math so that he can go back to public school.  I tutor a 67 year old man on the world of how to use computers, and all of the interwebs.  I enjoy this greatly, but I seriously debated the addition of the teenager.  However, the money will be greatly useful towards attempting to go to New Zealand.. and I love to help.

I tried to do the 30 day writing challenge. Some days I did just one, but most of the time I wound up doing two or three, or more, trying to catch up.  I ended on Day 16… and it is now August.  There is part of me that loves to write so very much, and yet, some how, I go ages without doing it. I have had a novel I have been working on for two years. I’ve barely touched it in the last year. I keep telling myself there were very good reasons, and yet honestly, how hard is it to write for ten minutes a day?  Even if it is crap? It’s something… Right?  I also keep telling myself that if I wait to have a decent place to write I’m going to be waiting a very long time…

I just finished watching Under the Tuscan Sun.  It is a movie I actually own, but I saw it skimming through Netflix, and it sounded like the perfect movie. If you haven’t watched it, you should.  The crazy blonde lady tells Francis that when she was trying to catch ladybugs she could not, but after falling asleep and waking up, she was covered in them.  And I think that is perfect. I need to quit worrying so much. I tried to do yoga, and so far I keep failing at that, but I am going to try again. I worry about losing weight all the time – I still cannot wear my prepregnancy clothes, or find a size that fits right anyways.  It’s all so frustrating.

But I need to have my rant, sigh, and try to move on. I need to let the ladybugs gather.  Looking at my tiny hobbit child, I know it will all be worth it. I am working towards a career in which I will be able to support us – my husband is supporting me so I can pursue my dreams, and I want to return the favor. And I want to give my child the vacations I never had, and little bit more of a stress free childhood at that. I had to grow up way too quickly. I do not want that for Xander. So I shall let what shall come, pass, and move past it. For after all, all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

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